let's talk

things have been even harder with my friend John lately ... with his new posse getting all the attention. i've been pushed back, made unimportant.

Lying

and it hurts.*sigh*

but what else can i do? things are still too sensitive between us, too raw. my complaints would push him further away, i'd seem stupid,selfish, etc; .. but what else am i supposed to do?! everywhere i go all i here is that i shouldn't do anything .. and just that kills me. not saying anything, hiding all my feelings of anxiety and hurt in, isn't that like lying to him without opening my mouth?    

oh the irony.
but i have hope that he still wants to hold on our friendship .. but i wont lie about this. he's making it so, so terribly hard to believe.  this is what i get for screwing up, isn't it? is this why people say never stay friends with ex's, let alone ones you have feelings for? ( however small, miniscule, and useless they are? )                                                                                                                                                                                           
*fiddles with a piece of paper*

well, i sent him an email asking him to call me. he's stopped that too since his group of his came along ... god .. turn things around my ass. ( his words not mine )

this new pain in my chest is just going to have to sit there now.                                                                     

he never called.
he got the message ( or so my computer-cant-lie tells me)
why why why why is he slipping away?